It's hard for me to admit to bad days because my life is good. I have a happy, smart, amazing baby. I get to stay home with him. I'm working towards a degree I've wanted forever. I have a great partner who helps me out, who understands me and laughs with me, who is working towards a degree he's passionate about as well. We have it so good. So why are there bad days?
I think it's a touchy subject for me because of the prenatal depression. I feel like people might be on eggshells around me, watching me extra closely for any hint of postpartum depression. Even I analyze myself too often, every day, every hour. I wonder if it's the start of something bigger and scarier. But I love my baby too much. I can't see myself ever not wanting to hold him, cuddle him, play with him, feed him. I don't think I could get to that point. But on bad days... I don't care about much else. I could sit on the couch and read, or even just space out, and not talk to anyone other than Baby T.
What seems to influence my bad days is that I'm having trouble finding a balance. Do I spend a day focusing on schoolwork? That's more productive than grabbing half an hour here and there, but that also means I don't get to interact with the babe much more than feedings and changings. But if I let myself get lost in his beautiful blue eyes, the whole day is gone. I read to him and play with him and nap with him. And I love it. Those are happy days. But the next day is going to be bad because I have to make up the work I didn't do before. Add on to that the household chores and trying to maintain my relationship with Will and, well... it's more than a full-time job.
I'm torn, because I love my babe and I love watching him learn and grow and change so much every day, and I'm never going to get that again. But I'm also eager to get my new career started, because it's something I'm passionate about and I think I have a great idea to implement and I don't want to wait, because what if someone else does it first? I need to ace my classes and do research and stay on top of my game, all while making connections and trying to get my name out there.