Regression

I don't want the responsibility, I don't want to care. I don't want to worry about conserving electricity - not to better the world, but to better my wallet. I don't want to guesstimate my bills each month and figure out how many times I can treat myself to coffee, or dinner out. I don't want my stomach to eat itself in worry over the expensive ticket I got joyriding, and I don't want to stress about how soon my credit card payment will clear so the county sheriff can take his prize. I don't want to use a big black marker to write the due date on each of my bills so I remember to pay it on time. I don't want to write my account number at the bottom of each check, I don't want to stick a stamp in the box they drew for me. I don't want to stop at the pump and fill up, even if $15 does it now. I don't want to slide my rent check into the mailbox at the first of every month, I don't want to wait for my paycheck to clear at the bank. I don't want to try and log the maximum number of hours at work, both to please my boss and to fluff my account.

Being an eternal student sounds like the perfect solution to this ailment. Except I don't want to write your papers. I don't want to watch your documentaries and analyze them with a philosophical eye. I don't want to sit in circles and discuss what literature is timeless and what poets are pompous. I don't want to listen to my pretentious classmates ramble on for damn near 90 seconds (I count) without touching on the issue at hand, and I don't want to see the teacher nod as the student blabs my life away, tick, tick, tick. I don't want to worry about leaving in time to miss a train, find a parking space, scurry across the street and up the stairs and slide into a desk before the teacher realizes. I don't want to pay tuition and I don't want to file honors contracts and I don't want to stress out about grades, due dates, revisions and peer edits.

I don't want to be thinking of things so much that I give myself ulcers and headaches. I want to stop clenching my jaw, realizing I'm doing so only when my teeth hurt. I want to stop being on top of my game, I want to stop striving to be the best, I want to stop making endless To Do lists. I want to be content with failure if that's what's in the cards for me. I just want to exist, but how can you change what you are?

Office Supplies

I am a sucker for office supplies of all kinds. It takes all the willpower I have (not very much) to say "NO!" when our supply guy comes by at work and asks if I need to order anything. I love pens, I love paper, I love notebooks, I love scissors and staplers and tape dispensers and pencils and jump drives and post-its and highlighters, oh my! If you ever forget to have a present for my birthday or Christmas, swing by Office Depot and pick up the first thing you see - I'll love it!

That being said, it must also be known that I am not good with self-discipline. I am a procrastinator through and through, no matter how much my mom claims I used to get projects done weeks ahead of time - I don't remember that... I do things the night before, stressing myself to the max, even if I had an entire empty weekend to accomplish everything on my To Do list. Lately the thing I've been putting off most is writing. I'm still not doing homework or research papers (why is it so easy to stop caring at this point in the semester?) but writing is the thing I want to do, TRY to do, and still fail. I sit with a pen in my hand and a blank page before me, and no words come forth. If I push myself, what comes out is pure crap. It's frustrating, really, to NOT be reading, NOT be studying, and still NOT being able to write.

I'm trying to solve that problem...Tonight I treated myself to a pen. I stood in front of the aisle of writing utensils practically drooling. Then, my eyes lit upon THIS GEM!!! How crazy cool is that?! I bought it, sho 'nuff, and have told myself that I can ONLY use it when I'm writing. I think it will work... but I'll probably have to carry it in my bag at all times so I can peek in at it and smile, and maybe touch the soft rubbery-ness that is the Ergo-Sof PenAgain.

Slowly Going Crazy

- Don't assume that I voted for Obama just because I'm a college student. Don't assume I voted for McCain because I live in a red state. Don't assume anything about me, and actually, don't talk about politics with me, period. TWICE today I have been bombarded with pro-Obama talk, which is FINE, I'm not against him, I'm sure he'll be a great president, yada yada yada. But don't assume everyone loves him. Don't assume everyone cried tears of joy when he was elected. Don't assume everyone who voted for McCain is a dumbass, and don't push your views on me. I understand history was made, but really, if we think we're such a progressive country, why are we even thinking of our new president as black?! I'm just tired of hearing political shit EVERYWHERE I go, esp where it should not be discussed, like in a poetry workshop or at an author reading.

- I admit that I'm selfish - I hate lending out books and movies of my own. I must have lent out one book, because the spot on my shelf is BLANK and I never lose a book, and I didn't loan it out to Cat so the rest of the list is quite limited, and it's really stressing me out. I WANT MY BOOK!

- However, if I recommend you a book, GET IT, because it's amazing. I loaned Cat Little Children and she STILL hasn't finished it! I look over and see it on the table and in my head I'm yelling "Why haven't you finished it yet?! The ending is the best part! You only have a chapter to go, what are you waiting for?! Read it so we can talk about it for hours and hours and hours til my little heart's content!"

- I'm a big dork. I love books. I love talking about books. I love talking about fictional characters like they're real; I love discussing their motives and how they really are, and defending them to people like they're really my friends. My mom busted out an early Xmas gift for me... Bookopoly. The lit version of Monopoly. TWO STRIKES! I am such a nerd I love the never-ending game of MONOPOLY and books! The nerdiest part? I played it for THREE HOURS on a FRIDAY NIGHT with my PARENTS. And now I am admitting that on my public blog, and I'm not even ashamed. The only reason we stopped is because they MADE me. They pinned my arms behind me and pulled me away from the table and quickly swept all the pieces and paper money back into the box and sent me packing.

- I am stressing out. Going crazy. Over the GRE/letters/grad school stuff mentioned in my last post. I just can't stop thinking about these letters. I could be productive and proactive by channeling this energy into studying for the GRE itself, but all I can think about is the letters. I sit here and emit a pathetic sigh and Cat sighs too, because she knows what I'm sighing about and I understand it's really annoying. I understand that all this worry and all this unnecessary stress and all this delicious coffee is keeping me from sleeping and making me dizzy and making my hands shake and giving me an ulcer, but I don't know how else to deal and the only way I can make myself NOT think about those letters is to sing along to really bad pop songs. But I can only do that for so long... soon I'll be alone with my thoughts in bed, all night, without the sweet relief of sleep. And tomorrow I'll have a long workday with plenty of time to dwell on those letters. And all I can blog about is my letters and all these things annoying me, and I know I sound like a crotchety crazy old woman but the LETTERS dammit! I need the letters!

- I have a lot of homework I could be doing. A paper to write. A lot of dry british lit to read. A latin test to study for. Um, the GRE to study for... Applications to fill out. Stories to write. Books to read. Letters to think about........