*My family is retro, y'all! We still use a rotary dial phone.
The second Jimmy ran on stage last night, I was a thirteen-year-old girl again. I couldn't stop clapping and smiling. He had some really funny jokes and bits, and even did The Barry Gibb Talk Show (um, I LOVE the BeeGees) using a girl from the audience! He talked to people in the first few rows, but it was more jokey than typical heckling, which was nice. He performed some songs, and ended the night with impressions of other comedians that had performed at that theater.
Jimmy was funny and all, but the best part of the evening was the middle-aged woman next to me. When I scooted down the row, I saw that she was in one of my seats, so I called her out. While digging in her purse for her ticket, she said "It doesn't matter!" Listen, lady - I'm not getting kicked out of the theater because you're in my seat! She had the seat on the other end of my two, so we just sat in one of mine, and her original seat. We figured giving in would be the easiest solution, and would shut her up.
After we settled in, she decided we were friends. "Were you a fan of Jimmy on Saturday Night -" (I started nodding) "I mean, the Late Night show?" I explained that I sometimes watch him, but often forget when it's on - I'm still in the Memphis time zone. I said that I loved him on SNL, ever since he was a featured player. She scoffed at this, and I grabbed her by the hair and shook her while yelling "I KNEW HIM BEFORE YOU DID, BITCH!"
During opening comedian Wayne Federman's set, she would occasionally laugh, let out a "Ha!" or loudly state "Oh, that's funny!" I'd smile broadly or laugh to myself when something struck my fancy. However, one joke in particular cracked me UP. I couldn't stop laughing out loud, which means my shoulders were shaking and I couldn't calm myself down. When this happened, the lady sighed and hollered "Bring on Jimmy!" Oh, you can audibly enjoy certain jokes, but when I can't stop laughing, the man needs to leave the stage? Sorry to inconvenience you with my laughter!
Once Jimmy came on, she was much more vocal. So much that I decided she must have been drinking since 8am. The day before. She had a bottle of something-or-other in her purse, and she kept hefting the huge bag onto her lap, uncapping the bottle, and taking a generous gulp. She would yell stuff to Jimmy, try to deliver punchlines before he did, and kept leaning into me, saying "He's SUCH a nice guy!" She should know.
Eventually, her purse found its way almost onto my lap. Therefore, her wallet found its way to my pocket. Just kidding, just kidding! Geez, lighten up.
Towards the end of the show, Jimmy announced a song about cougar hunting. All of the older women in the audience cheered wildly. Except the lady next to me. The dyed-blond, overly-made-up-but-still-not-concealing-the-wrinkles woman beside me was quiet for the first time in the entire evening. People laughed and cheered during the song, sang along when Jimmy asked for it, and still, she remained silent.
Is she so rooted in reality that she realizes she is NOT attractive enough
to actually be a cougar, though she is old enough, or is she so delusional
that she does not think she is of age to achieve cougar status?
I expect many sleepless nights to follow, until I solve this riddle of the ages.